Monday, April 25, 2011

X Files

I haven't felt very well this week. Nauseous mostly. I have a laundry list of prescription drugs that I will begin taking this week. This for the girl who avoids an aspirin when she has a headache, well, unless it gets really bad and then I only take one. I took Prozac for about a week before my diagnosis. I was full of anxiety with the not knowing and all the different doctors peaking, probing, scraping. I stopped taking that about three days ago. I try not to think of how my body is going to react to 12 different drugs this week. That is a very difficult part for me that I don't talk about so much. I feel, deep down, there are ways to combat this naturally and I know i don't have the time to research it and handle it alternatively. I go to the medical doctor and they say, here...do this and this and this. But there is nowhere else to go where they say and here is option #2, you can do this and this and this and this and it's takes a lot of committment, but you won't have to kill your good cells along with the bad cells. You won't have to destroy your immune system and you will be able to digest nutrients for the rest of your life and you won't destroy the esophogal glands and you won't get sores in your mouth and you won't kill your ovaries.
I'm such a conspiracy theorist at heart and I've always had this huge mistrust of the entire corporate cancer industry and now i'm like a lamb led to slaughter. Here is your salvation, here is your redemption. We are going to save you if we don't kill you first. So do I really have to get on board while I'm sitting there having poison pumped into my body intravenously? I'm supposed to have light healing thoughts the five hours i'm sitting in the chair? I'm too jaded for that. How does one use their personal healing powers, and calling upon the healing powers of God, and gather the healing light energy everyone is sending her way, while allowing the poison to flow. Yes, there is no question mark there, I have to conform. I know that. But thankfully I have this safe place to say these things.
Perhaps you are growing weary of hearing about the goodness and blessings coming my way, but I am not that jaded yet. : )
My heart overflows every time. A few kind words, a hug, a meal, a phone call, a hand full of cash, they all mean so much to me. And it's strange that the hugs mean just as much as the cash!

3 comments:

Mona Maxwell said...

For what it is worth all of our love, kindness, hugs, food, etc. is our alternative treatment. We hope with each act of kindness that the love you feel, the great chemicals your body releases when experiencing our love...we hope it helps you use your own powers, we seek to be the tangible hands that God's healing powers flow through. And like you we wish there was time to seek all things that will help you. So we do what we can with what we have and we hope we show this cancer, this BS, that we have our hold on you as well...we fight too.

susan* said...

Damn your good. I was thinking I didn't even want a comment on this post. I was wrong. That was amazing.

Em said...

AMEN MONA!!! This is the exact reason I am so Proud of you for graciously taking all of our meals, cash and hugs. Because not only you are trying to cope but us as well, and this is our way!! <3 U!!