Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Job, long o

I have been diagnosed with cancer.
I am currently unable to remove the 3rd, 4th, and 5th word from that sentence. I attempted it yesterday and literally choked on the words, so I haven't tried it since.
My head is still spinning from all the information and I feel quite nauseous as I sit here typing these words.
I would like to think that I will handle this turn of events in a graceful, ladylike fashion, but I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm not feeling very graceful right now.
My friend, Janet, died from cancer a few years ago. I still weep when I think of her short lived life and her young daughter having to grow up without her.
One of my first thoughts is that dying is all a part of living. My second thought is I am thankful two of my girls are full grown and I know they will nurture the third the same way I would in the event I leave this world early. My third thought is I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There are no guarantees we get to watch our children walk down the aisle and hold our grandchildren on our lap.
I have had a crash course in leaning on other people the past two years. When David had his motorcycle wreck, and subsequent brain tumor, I learned to reach out to the people who were there, waiting for me to only ask and sometimes not waiting, just doing.  Was it all really leading up to this? That's very self serving, even for me.
Well I know that positive attitude and all that jazz goes a long way and I know, no matter what, everything will be okay. Not in a God will fix everything and all will come up roses sort of okay; I just mean that I will be okay because I believe I am never alone and that's what has always given me strength.


Delana@dujour said...

Oh dear Susan, I haven't been reading blogs lately and I'm feeling so bad. This is terrible news. I have to go read your most recent to find out more but I just wanted to say I'm sending healing thoughts across the ocean. What kind of cancer were you diagnosed with, what is the prognosis, what's next? You don't have to be graceful. You're not required to be, even if you think so. If it helps to scream, do it. If writing helps, write what you're thinking...but use your wonderful energy to heal whatever way is necessary. Bisous a toi

susan* said...

Thank you Delana, it has been quite a shock. It's a cervical cancer called Adenocarcinoma. I have a pet scan on tomorrow to see if it has spread further than the cervix; then we will get a prognosis.