I survived week one of "treatment". (more like torture)
From Tuesday to Friday I have had this feeling in my stomach that made me go around with my brow furrowed. I didn't know whether to feed it or not, its been awful, a constant sickness that had me bed bound for a lot of the week. Its difficult to describe, but its rather like an intense car sickness.
Well this morning I woke up and it's not there! I cried I was so happy! I know its temporary, but I'm so so happy right now! I want to celebrate! So I'm going to strip my sheets and help David gather the garbage and I need to go to the bank this morning, etc. etc. I have a dear friend coming to clean house today and we leave for a pet scan this morning.
I just want to shout to everyone "I FEEL GREAT TODAY! LET'S CELEBRATE!"
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Crystal Cares Too
My dog keeps staring at me. I've tried explaining to her what's going on, but she doesn't seem to understand. So she just stares at me. She knows something is wrong and she sits by me and pins her ears back as she stares at me and tries to heal me with her little puppy light.
At work today we had a prayer circle outside and over a dozen people joined in held hands and prayed for me. I felt the wind on my face and a stirring in my stomach and knew that we were being heard by God. After, I hugged every one of them and took a little extra light from each of them as I did it because I knew they had it to spare.
I have been craving fruit. Strawberries, blueberries, bananas and grape juice. I can't get enough, so I'm going with it. After my first chemo yesterday I looked like death warmed over. But today has been a good day.
Can't wait for all the good days to come.
At work today we had a prayer circle outside and over a dozen people joined in held hands and prayed for me. I felt the wind on my face and a stirring in my stomach and knew that we were being heard by God. After, I hugged every one of them and took a little extra light from each of them as I did it because I knew they had it to spare.
I have been craving fruit. Strawberries, blueberries, bananas and grape juice. I can't get enough, so I'm going with it. After my first chemo yesterday I looked like death warmed over. But today has been a good day.
Can't wait for all the good days to come.
Monday, April 25, 2011
X Files
I haven't felt very well this week. Nauseous mostly. I have a laundry list of prescription drugs that I will begin taking this week. This for the girl who avoids an aspirin when she has a headache, well, unless it gets really bad and then I only take one. I took Prozac for about a week before my diagnosis. I was full of anxiety with the not knowing and all the different doctors peaking, probing, scraping. I stopped taking that about three days ago. I try not to think of how my body is going to react to 12 different drugs this week. That is a very difficult part for me that I don't talk about so much. I feel, deep down, there are ways to combat this naturally and I know i don't have the time to research it and handle it alternatively. I go to the medical doctor and they say, here...do this and this and this. But there is nowhere else to go where they say and here is option #2, you can do this and this and this and this and it's takes a lot of committment, but you won't have to kill your good cells along with the bad cells. You won't have to destroy your immune system and you will be able to digest nutrients for the rest of your life and you won't destroy the esophogal glands and you won't get sores in your mouth and you won't kill your ovaries.
I'm such a conspiracy theorist at heart and I've always had this huge mistrust of the entire corporate cancer industry and now i'm like a lamb led to slaughter. Here is your salvation, here is your redemption. We are going to save you if we don't kill you first. So do I really have to get on board while I'm sitting there having poison pumped into my body intravenously? I'm supposed to have light healing thoughts the five hours i'm sitting in the chair? I'm too jaded for that. How does one use their personal healing powers, and calling upon the healing powers of God, and gather the healing light energy everyone is sending her way, while allowing the poison to flow. Yes, there is no question mark there, I have to conform. I know that. But thankfully I have this safe place to say these things.
Perhaps you are growing weary of hearing about the goodness and blessings coming my way, but I am not that jaded yet. : )
My heart overflows every time. A few kind words, a hug, a meal, a phone call, a hand full of cash, they all mean so much to me. And it's strange that the hugs mean just as much as the cash!
I'm such a conspiracy theorist at heart and I've always had this huge mistrust of the entire corporate cancer industry and now i'm like a lamb led to slaughter. Here is your salvation, here is your redemption. We are going to save you if we don't kill you first. So do I really have to get on board while I'm sitting there having poison pumped into my body intravenously? I'm supposed to have light healing thoughts the five hours i'm sitting in the chair? I'm too jaded for that. How does one use their personal healing powers, and calling upon the healing powers of God, and gather the healing light energy everyone is sending her way, while allowing the poison to flow. Yes, there is no question mark there, I have to conform. I know that. But thankfully I have this safe place to say these things.
Perhaps you are growing weary of hearing about the goodness and blessings coming my way, but I am not that jaded yet. : )
My heart overflows every time. A few kind words, a hug, a meal, a phone call, a hand full of cash, they all mean so much to me. And it's strange that the hugs mean just as much as the cash!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
random bits
Well I hate to go on and on about it, but today was another day of bountiful blessings. At one point, I was actually sobbing and couldn't speak. The generosity has been overwhelming.
I had a consult with the radiation doctor today and it looks like the next 7-8 weeks are going to be hell.
I am continuing to take my herbal medicine (the doctor knows) because it gives me some stupid sense of control over this uncontrollable situation.
I'm afraid we've given the impression that we like my brother's goulash.
I have been pretty nauseous the past few days; a result of so many pelvic exams and the biopsy. I need to go lie down right now.
I had a consult with the radiation doctor today and it looks like the next 7-8 weeks are going to be hell.
I am continuing to take my herbal medicine (the doctor knows) because it gives me some stupid sense of control over this uncontrollable situation.
I'm afraid we've given the impression that we like my brother's goulash.
I have been pretty nauseous the past few days; a result of so many pelvic exams and the biopsy. I need to go lie down right now.
More Kindness
My parallel friend.
We live our lives in parallel. It's uncanny. We say to each other "Get your own life" and we laugh.
We think about things the same way, we look at problems from the same angle, we arrive at the same conclusions.
She has had so much on her plate and I want to say to her that I am sorry. But she doesn't want to hear that. She already knows what I'm thinking and she says to me 'My hands are stirring alot of pots but I can stir yours too. My hands are holding alot of hands right now but I can still hold yours'. So in those few words she acknowledges that I am concerned about being another burden to her and assures me that she has broad shoulders. So she touches me and makes me cry with her kindness, handing me what I need without asking. I did not say to her that I am worried about buying gas for the two hour round trips to daily radiation. She gave me money without asking. Once again I am overwhelmed with the thought and kindness and my abundant life.
We live our lives in parallel. It's uncanny. We say to each other "Get your own life" and we laugh.
We think about things the same way, we look at problems from the same angle, we arrive at the same conclusions.
She has had so much on her plate and I want to say to her that I am sorry. But she doesn't want to hear that. She already knows what I'm thinking and she says to me 'My hands are stirring alot of pots but I can stir yours too. My hands are holding alot of hands right now but I can still hold yours'. So in those few words she acknowledges that I am concerned about being another burden to her and assures me that she has broad shoulders. So she touches me and makes me cry with her kindness, handing me what I need without asking. I did not say to her that I am worried about buying gas for the two hour round trips to daily radiation. She gave me money without asking. Once again I am overwhelmed with the thought and kindness and my abundant life.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
4/20
I got through today.
I spent a full day at work, told most of my work friends. I feel bad because they don't know what to say, after the shock of it. I can already feel them treating me a little differently; perhaps that will fade as we all get a little more used to the thought. I know they will whisper about it, "can you believe it?", "isn't that awful?", that sort of thing. Mostly I want them to know they don't have to whisper about it; they can say those things to me. I am thinking them too. But I've been moved to a different category, I am no longer like them. I am different now.
So it turns out I really do have some amazing friends. Which is really surprising to me because I am not very good at cultivating relationships. I can't even remember to call my own mother once a week. I think when you get to my age, the people left standing are the ones who really have something to offer and I can only hope that I am still in their circle of friends because I give them something too.
So I was thinking about their differences and how they are all so good to me in their own special ways.
My sister. She is seven years older than me. I spent time with her the summer she was pregnant with her son. We would eat all day and lie around in bed watching soaps. It was in south Texas and it was so hot. That was a good summer. Later, when we moved to Florida, I would look forward to her coming for a visit; we would sit up all night talking about everything and sneak out of the house to the Subway for a roast beef, mustard and pickle sandwich. Of course she was full grown with a child of her own, so it wasn't really against the rules sneakin' so much as just sneakin' for the fun of it. When I told her about my latest BS she was solid. I don't remember much about what she said, I just remember she was solid and she prayed for me and I felt so much better after talking to her than I did before. She shares my faith in God. I know it's hard for her because I'm the baby sister; but she calls me again today to see if I'm okay. I needed that.
Then there's my sister-friend. She is over the top. She thinks of shit I need before I ever know I need it. She doesn't say "Let me know what I can do", she does. Well, okay, she does say it too; but she doesn't wait for an answer. She cooked dinner for my family tonite. I stopped by after work to pick it up on my way home and she says she's going to the grocery for me to write her a list. I need to tell her I don't have any money for the grocery right now but I can't seem to get the words out...as she starts and keeps adding to the grocery list, it dawns on me that I don't think she's picking up groceries for me, but FOR me. She's buying them too. I am overwhelmed. I mean how incredible is it that this person takes a look at my life, knows my daughters are coming home from college, knows I need groceries in the house and goes and gets them for me. She didn't know I didn't have money for groceries this weekend. It is just more than I can return. I don't know how to give that back. and I know she doesn't expect it back, but how many of you (of the female persuasion) can take and take and not give back? She encourages me to accept and I have no will to object. She does not share my faith in God, but she is respecting my space in that too. I know she wants to say so much on the subject. I would just have her know that I know I am good enough. me. alone. It's just not how I prefer it.
There are more, no less important persons whom I will introduce you to very soon. My life is abundant.
I spent a full day at work, told most of my work friends. I feel bad because they don't know what to say, after the shock of it. I can already feel them treating me a little differently; perhaps that will fade as we all get a little more used to the thought. I know they will whisper about it, "can you believe it?", "isn't that awful?", that sort of thing. Mostly I want them to know they don't have to whisper about it; they can say those things to me. I am thinking them too. But I've been moved to a different category, I am no longer like them. I am different now.
So it turns out I really do have some amazing friends. Which is really surprising to me because I am not very good at cultivating relationships. I can't even remember to call my own mother once a week. I think when you get to my age, the people left standing are the ones who really have something to offer and I can only hope that I am still in their circle of friends because I give them something too.
So I was thinking about their differences and how they are all so good to me in their own special ways.
My sister. She is seven years older than me. I spent time with her the summer she was pregnant with her son. We would eat all day and lie around in bed watching soaps. It was in south Texas and it was so hot. That was a good summer. Later, when we moved to Florida, I would look forward to her coming for a visit; we would sit up all night talking about everything and sneak out of the house to the Subway for a roast beef, mustard and pickle sandwich. Of course she was full grown with a child of her own, so it wasn't really against the rules sneakin' so much as just sneakin' for the fun of it. When I told her about my latest BS she was solid. I don't remember much about what she said, I just remember she was solid and she prayed for me and I felt so much better after talking to her than I did before. She shares my faith in God. I know it's hard for her because I'm the baby sister; but she calls me again today to see if I'm okay. I needed that.
Then there's my sister-friend. She is over the top. She thinks of shit I need before I ever know I need it. She doesn't say "Let me know what I can do", she does. Well, okay, she does say it too; but she doesn't wait for an answer. She cooked dinner for my family tonite. I stopped by after work to pick it up on my way home and she says she's going to the grocery for me to write her a list. I need to tell her I don't have any money for the grocery right now but I can't seem to get the words out...as she starts and keeps adding to the grocery list, it dawns on me that I don't think she's picking up groceries for me, but FOR me. She's buying them too. I am overwhelmed. I mean how incredible is it that this person takes a look at my life, knows my daughters are coming home from college, knows I need groceries in the house and goes and gets them for me. She didn't know I didn't have money for groceries this weekend. It is just more than I can return. I don't know how to give that back. and I know she doesn't expect it back, but how many of you (of the female persuasion) can take and take and not give back? She encourages me to accept and I have no will to object. She does not share my faith in God, but she is respecting my space in that too. I know she wants to say so much on the subject. I would just have her know that I know I am good enough. me. alone. It's just not how I prefer it.
There are more, no less important persons whom I will introduce you to very soon. My life is abundant.
Job, long o
I have been diagnosed with cancer.
I am currently unable to remove the 3rd, 4th, and 5th word from that sentence. I attempted it yesterday and literally choked on the words, so I haven't tried it since.
My head is still spinning from all the information and I feel quite nauseous as I sit here typing these words.
I would like to think that I will handle this turn of events in a graceful, ladylike fashion, but I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm not feeling very graceful right now.
My friend, Janet, died from cancer a few years ago. I still weep when I think of her short lived life and her young daughter having to grow up without her.
One of my first thoughts is that dying is all a part of living. My second thought is I am thankful two of my girls are full grown and I know they will nurture the third the same way I would in the event I leave this world early. My third thought is I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There are no guarantees we get to watch our children walk down the aisle and hold our grandchildren on our lap.
I have had a crash course in leaning on other people the past two years. When David had his motorcycle wreck, and subsequent brain tumor, I learned to reach out to the people who were there, waiting for me to only ask and sometimes not waiting, just doing. Was it all really leading up to this? That's very self serving, even for me.
Well I know that positive attitude and all that jazz goes a long way and I know, no matter what, everything will be okay. Not in a God will fix everything and all will come up roses sort of okay; I just mean that I will be okay because I believe I am never alone and that's what has always given me strength.
I am currently unable to remove the 3rd, 4th, and 5th word from that sentence. I attempted it yesterday and literally choked on the words, so I haven't tried it since.
My head is still spinning from all the information and I feel quite nauseous as I sit here typing these words.
I would like to think that I will handle this turn of events in a graceful, ladylike fashion, but I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm not feeling very graceful right now.
My friend, Janet, died from cancer a few years ago. I still weep when I think of her short lived life and her young daughter having to grow up without her.
One of my first thoughts is that dying is all a part of living. My second thought is I am thankful two of my girls are full grown and I know they will nurture the third the same way I would in the event I leave this world early. My third thought is I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There are no guarantees we get to watch our children walk down the aisle and hold our grandchildren on our lap.
I have had a crash course in leaning on other people the past two years. When David had his motorcycle wreck, and subsequent brain tumor, I learned to reach out to the people who were there, waiting for me to only ask and sometimes not waiting, just doing. Was it all really leading up to this? That's very self serving, even for me.
Well I know that positive attitude and all that jazz goes a long way and I know, no matter what, everything will be okay. Not in a God will fix everything and all will come up roses sort of okay; I just mean that I will be okay because I believe I am never alone and that's what has always given me strength.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Unconditional Love
One of our stops while we were in Dallas was my husband's sister's home. Due to various awkward social situations , my husband ended up at his sister's house with no way back to the races. As we are talking it out on the drive to his sister's, he says "Well, I'll just take M's truck". And he says this with the utmost confidence; never doubting that she will willingly lend her truck for his overnight trip back to Ft.Worth.
I began to think about this confidence with his sister and how it has always been so. It isn't an arrogant confidence, but a solid, based on trust and an absolute certain knowledge that she will be there for him always, no matter what, to the end, amen, kind of trust. It has been this way since I've known him and I can tell it went on a lifetime before I met him.
I am so very thankful to her for this. She is the reason that he can love me the way he does. When they lost their mother at such a young age, she is the one he counted on. I know his other brothers and sisters took care of him in their own ways. But it was and is her unconditional love for him that makes him able to trust and love me.
I began to think about this confidence with his sister and how it has always been so. It isn't an arrogant confidence, but a solid, based on trust and an absolute certain knowledge that she will be there for him always, no matter what, to the end, amen, kind of trust. It has been this way since I've known him and I can tell it went on a lifetime before I met him.
I am so very thankful to her for this. She is the reason that he can love me the way he does. When they lost their mother at such a young age, she is the one he counted on. I know his other brothers and sisters took care of him in their own ways. But it was and is her unconditional love for him that makes him able to trust and love me.
Blog about Blogs
I LOVE reading blogs. I get my cup of coffee together, sit down at my desk and see what is going on around the world with people I have gotten to know through their writings. It has replaced my morning news intake and I am not the worse for wear. I would much rather hear about what is going on in various little corners of the world on a first person basis.
I prefer the blogs that aren't all that polished. I want to know what is going on with the writer personally. I want to know what they are struggling with, what they are succeeding at, how they feel about various topical topics.
Today I am struggling with God's grace and not feeling worthy of it. My beautiful sister reminded me of all the things that have happened to my family and how God's grace was there each time. But it is much easier to accept God's grace for others, now that I am the one in the hot seat it is so much more difficult to know that everything will be alright. So she has given me something to think about and I am feeling much better today. I am going to claim God's grace and know that no one really deserves it, after all that is why it's called grace.
I prefer the blogs that aren't all that polished. I want to know what is going on with the writer personally. I want to know what they are struggling with, what they are succeeding at, how they feel about various topical topics.
Today I am struggling with God's grace and not feeling worthy of it. My beautiful sister reminded me of all the things that have happened to my family and how God's grace was there each time. But it is much easier to accept God's grace for others, now that I am the one in the hot seat it is so much more difficult to know that everything will be alright. So she has given me something to think about and I am feeling much better today. I am going to claim God's grace and know that no one really deserves it, after all that is why it's called grace.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My 3 Chicks
All three of my chicks are in the nest this weekend. King D drove to University yesterday to collect Peace, and Love surprised us this afternoon by driving in from school as well. Sisters were all glad to see each other, with hugs and smiles all around. We had a lovely dinner together and the girls helped us to do a few chores around the house.
My favorite part of the weekend happened when Love and I walked into my bedroom and the end of Grease was on my television set. We sat on the bed and started watching it, right after that "The Wedding Date" came on and before I knew it, all three chicks were spread out on my bed with me watching a movie together. It was one of those moments where I just looked at the three of them and I was in complete awe that these three beautiful, funny, smart, caring females all sprang from my loins. {MOM! Gross!} Haha! It was a beautiful weekend!
My favorite part of the weekend happened when Love and I walked into my bedroom and the end of Grease was on my television set. We sat on the bed and started watching it, right after that "The Wedding Date" came on and before I knew it, all three chicks were spread out on my bed with me watching a movie together. It was one of those moments where I just looked at the three of them and I was in complete awe that these three beautiful, funny, smart, caring females all sprang from my loins. {MOM! Gross!} Haha! It was a beautiful weekend!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
My Unique Joy
It is a beautiful Saturday here in East Texas. The windows in the house are open to let in a beautiful breeze. It lets in a bit of dust too, but its worth it. My Joy is getting ready for a birthday skate party. "All her friends will be there"; so she is primping in the bathroom, awaiting her ride. She has some very strange ideas of a personal fashion. She blows her hair dry, but "NOT ALL THE WAY" (she is yelling that at her sister right now, her sister is perplexed). She is wearing black framed glasses without the lenses. She has this strange side part that isn't really a part at all. She is unique. I enjoy this age, before they start conforming and trying to blend in with their peers. I know in another two years she will be doing her best to NOT stand out. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she will be the exception. I'll let you know.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
About Me
So I've been blogging for awhile and I thought I would update my profile because I didn't put much effort into it initially. Well it's stumped me. It asks me seriously difficult questions like
Well, the first thing that comes to my mind are all the things I am not. I am not an ex pat living in an oh so much more interesting locale. I am not a high school girl on an exchange program in South America. I am not the owner of a brilliant jewelry shop. I am not a published writer taking daily walks in the beautiful Scottish countryside. I am not falling in love with an Irish bloke in Dublin.
So how do I describe myself? What are my interests? What "About Me"?
Oh it's all so boring I can't even jazz it up. It is so easy to start with I'm a mom, I'm a wife, blah blah blah..i don't want to start with that. I am me before I'm a wife & mom. I like to laugh, but even more I like to make the people around me laugh. I like secrets, but I'm only good at keeping the really important ones, so I like sharing secrets even more. I like seeing the good in people, and overlooking their faults. I don't like being the pot that calls the kettle black. I love to read because I love being swept away to another place and time. I like learning new things, I like seeing old things in a new way.
Alright, I think I finally got a beginning of an answer going. It helps to talk it out.
- what are my interests
- what are my favorite movies
- what are my favorite books
- write 1200 words or less 'About Me'
Well, the first thing that comes to my mind are all the things I am not. I am not an ex pat living in an oh so much more interesting locale. I am not a high school girl on an exchange program in South America. I am not the owner of a brilliant jewelry shop. I am not a published writer taking daily walks in the beautiful Scottish countryside. I am not falling in love with an Irish bloke in Dublin.
So how do I describe myself? What are my interests? What "About Me"?
Oh it's all so boring I can't even jazz it up. It is so easy to start with I'm a mom, I'm a wife, blah blah blah..i don't want to start with that. I am me before I'm a wife & mom. I like to laugh, but even more I like to make the people around me laugh. I like secrets, but I'm only good at keeping the really important ones, so I like sharing secrets even more. I like seeing the good in people, and overlooking their faults. I don't like being the pot that calls the kettle black. I love to read because I love being swept away to another place and time. I like learning new things, I like seeing old things in a new way.
Alright, I think I finally got a beginning of an answer going. It helps to talk it out.
3 chicks
I started writing this morning about Fate pointing at me as someone whose life has been altogether uneventful thus far and how she decided she would f*#% with it. But half way through, it was even too much self pity for me to tolerate. Sure I feel like wallowing in it right now, but truth is others have it worse and I am thankful the King wasn't paralyzed in his motorcycle wreck (or worse), and I'm thankful his brain tumor was benign, and I'm thankful we have been able to pay the bills so far, and I'm thankful my girls are better than okay.
So instead I'm going to tell you the baby eaglet was born last night.
And it turns out I was wrong about the male earlier, they share in the sitting of the eggs, but once the eaglets are hatched, its the female that does most of the tending. The daddy has been doing a good job bringing them fish and rabbit to eat. And I've even seen him share in the feeding of the eaglets. It has been an amazing thing to watch.
So instead I'm going to tell you the baby eaglet was born last night.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Baby Daddy
There is an eagle in Decorah, Idaho with no privacy whatsoever. New reality t.v. to the extreme. This eagle is the diligent father of two eaglets and an egg. He sits for hours, doing nothing but staring around and providing warmth. He gets up when the eaglets get restless, picks at the dead rabbit in his nest, feeds them, eats a little for himself and nestles back down on top of everyone to keep them warm. It is an amazingly beautiful thing to see in such a complicated world.
This morning as I was glued to my computer screen, the eaglet-mama made an appearance. I snapped a picture for you.
Is this not majestic? I will try and snap a picture of the eaglets for you too...and as I type this the eaglet is peaking out and I've put another picture below.
If you would like a nice soothing nature noise to your day at the computer, I highly recommend livestreaming this in the background. http://www.raptorresource.org/falcon_cams/index.html
And if you are moved enough to help out the group that is trying to save these animals, that is good too.
This morning as I was glued to my computer screen, the eaglet-mama made an appearance. I snapped a picture for you.
Is this not majestic? I will try and snap a picture of the eaglets for you too...and as I type this the eaglet is peaking out and I've put another picture below.
And if you are moved enough to help out the group that is trying to save these animals, that is good too.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Scandalous Dallas
We are five days into the month and I haven't made a post yet. The trouble is, so much has happened this month already that I have not been able to organize my thoughts or even decide what and how much I am going to share. I don't mean to be mysterious but there are some things, when put on paper, that seem distorted and different than the real life version of them. Sometimes writing about the experience makes it flat and two dimensional. I know this isn't the case for a good writer, but let's face it, I'm just bloggin' here.
The King and I went to Dallas this weekend. We used our key to get in to a hotel room that already had naked people in it. So there you go. Not on purpose, mind you. That is, we wanted to get into the hotel room, but were completely unaware it would be occupied with two naked people. So really, I don't need to embellish or use lots of adjectives. I can tell you it was neither one of the worst nor the best experiences of my life. Probably in the top five of embarrasing experiences, but only because it turns out we personally knew the occupants of the room. Oh how I wish they would've been complete strangers.
The King and I went to Dallas this weekend. We used our key to get in to a hotel room that already had naked people in it. So there you go. Not on purpose, mind you. That is, we wanted to get into the hotel room, but were completely unaware it would be occupied with two naked people. So really, I don't need to embellish or use lots of adjectives. I can tell you it was neither one of the worst nor the best experiences of my life. Probably in the top five of embarrasing experiences, but only because it turns out we personally knew the occupants of the room. Oh how I wish they would've been complete strangers.
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