In which my day gets better...

I was having a perfectly awful day yesterday. My eyes were actually burning with the tears I was not crying. But I had a girl scout meeting to lead after work and there was no time for self pity, so I put my big girl panties on and took care of business. After the meeting, my daughter and I stopped at the gas station to fill up. I was pumping gas when a truck pulled into the bay on the other side of the pump. A silver haired fox with a George Hamilton tan peaks around the gas pump and checks me out. As I'm hanging the pump up, he walks past and I say to him "What are you looking at?" Not in a confrontational way, with the emphasis on 'you'. In a curious way, with a slight emphasis on 'what'. I thought perhaps he was eyeing the new ink on my foot? and he says to me, "I'm looking at you, baby", emphasis on 'you', and keeps walking. "Niiicce" I say, as I put the cap back on my gas tank.

Not perfect is well, perfect for me

Many of my friends tell me that I am a very calm parent. I have always shrugged it off; its not difficult to not yell and scream at my children. I have noticed other parents having difficulty not screaming at their children, but I have never been one of those people. No big deal.

I think I really believe and hear what they are saying now. If I were ever going to scream and/or lose it with my child, today would have been the day. It didn't happen. Her friend looks at me and says "you are so calm, my mother would be freaking out right now". I wasn't even tempted. There are times when the crime is also the punishment. This is one of those times. No need to yell, no need to make her feel worse. She feels bad. She gets it. She said to me, something like -I think when you come from a good family, like I do, then feeling as guilty as I do is punishment enough-. My goal isn't to make her feel bad, it's just to get her to think about possible consequences and err on the side of caution. And to know that I am here for her even when she isn't being the perfect young woman everyone expects her to be.

It's funny, my friends often say things about how perfect my two older girls are...I know they aren't perfect and I love them even more for it.

Dead Trees and Food Stamps

The big blue New Post button keeps mocking me.

I heard on the radio on the way home today that there is a bill before Congress to stop giving foodstamps to families when a family member is on Strike. It made me want to hurl. First of all, each and every time my husband went on strike, it was for such a short amount of time that filing for foodstamps would have been fruitless. Secondly, the Union helped us pay for our groceries while he was on strike. So what I'm saying is the person is likely on strike trying to negotiate better wages to GET OFF foodstamps that he/she was on BEFORE the strike! I want to slap our politicians when they act so damn stupid.

I've had a lot on my mind this past week. Familial dances, dead trees, treadless tires, and such. I need a haircut. Oh and the paperwork, let's not forget all the paperwork.

So I think to combat all the mental and emotional stress I am going to work in my yard this weekend. Assuming I can get anything done with the two dead pine trees that are now all cut up and littering my yard. The point is, I am going to get outside in the sunshine and do some manual labor. This will no doubt help clear the cobwebs.

If anyone can find my silver cleaner, I would be obliged. I seemed to have misplaced it in the past two weeks.

Love, Peace and Joy

I am visiting mom and dad in sunny Florida this week. I feel ashamed that I haven't been here in 7, almost 8 years. It feels so good to be here. I forget how much I love Florida until I come back. I lived here from the ages of 14-19. I couldn't wait to move back to Texas. When my girls were little, I used to visit Florida every year, sometimes even twice a year. Their hair would get so golden and their skin so tan.

Anyway, that's why I came in here to write something. My aunt lives across the street and she gave The Diva a gift, or I should say a regift of three ornaments I gave to her about 9 years ago. I didn't even recognize them, but knew I had given them to her due to the pictures of my three girls in the silver ornaments. Under their beautiful little faces, they each had a word, and when I saw them I was immediately struck by how well the daughter went with the word. I'm sure I knew that when I put the pictures in the ornaments, but even now, a decade later, they still match the ornament I put them in.

I knew right away that I had to change their nicknames for the blog. My oldest daughter is now Love. She is a walking, talking example of the word. Her picture is in the dictionary under the word love. My second daughter is now Peace. And although I always wish for her to have peace of mind and peace of heart, right now this more defines her liberal spirit than her sense of being. My youngest is Joy. She lights up a room and spreads joy wherever she is.

Yay! I love seeing those old pictures and being surprised. I can't wait to see what other surprises I have while I am here.

Japan

I"m shedding tears for Japan this morning. The 8.9 magnitude earthquake is bad enough, but the tsunami waves after is more than salt in the wound. The pictures of houses being swept into the ocean, I want to pretend all those houses are empty. I'm watching CNN Japan and I can't stop. Thousands of people waiting for public transportation to get to their families and the trains aren't coming.

I know when tragedies like this happen thousands of miles away to people we don't know, it's easy to tsk and say "what a shame", and "how awful". But I want you to imagine, just for a moment, that you are doing whatever it is that you do every day when out of nowhere the earth moves beneath you and the building you are in begins to crumble. You survive that and thank your lucky stars when the waters come and your entire neighborhood is swept away. You can't do it, can you? It is so unbelievably difficult to imagine.

The people whose homes are now gone in Japan couldn't imagine it before either. They had no idea their lives were about to get, well, seriously complicated at best and over at worst.

Be thankful for right now and pray for Japan.

Be OK

Well I got on the computer this morning and none of my bloggers have anything for me to read today! So now I have to write something instead! I am falling asleep as my deskjob is quite dull today. Entering numbers, I do the math in my head just to keep my skills up and keep me awake, but my eyelids are drooping. So I look at my music library and I select this little ditty to pick me up and get me motivated :)
What I find wonderfully funny about this is that I've never seen this video. I have the song in my collection and I love it, it really does pick me up. But when I went on youtube to share the song with you, I saw the video for the first time and well, it's a little depressing! Isn't it funny how people interpret music differently? I think I'll stick to my non-video version : )

Parents & Forgiveness

I just got a call from one of my sisters. She says to me, expecting gratitude, "I talked Clyde out of calling you last night".
Two things you should know. Clyde is my biological dad and "last night" was my birthday.

So I'm annoyed. Why am I annoyed (besides the obvious overstepping of bounds by the sister)? He calls me once a year and if at all possible, I avoid talking to him. He's caught me off guard a few times, those times I forget to be on my toes and I answer that phone. So why does it bother me?

I've wondered a lot recently, what does it take to forgive our parents? I have all these mixed up feelings about Clyde and I mostly wad them up and throw them in the corner, stack magazines and dirty clothes on top of them. I don't want to deal, yet it comes up a lot and my weird reaction sort of fascinates me as if I am only an observer of those feelings. It is really bizarre how when he does get me on the line, we have absolutely nothing to say. Sometimes I will fill in the void with weather talk and other times I will observe from afar and see how long the uncomfortable silence can last.

I know a grown man who has recently gotten to know his dad. The forgiveness has amazed me. He really has every right to be angry with his dad for many reasons I will not list here. But I watch in fascination and trepidation because I cannot imagine he does not still harbor some bad feelings. I have so many questions for him. Did you bury those angry feelings, or have you really reconciled them? Have you truly forgiven him, and if so, how did you do it?

No One Cares!

No One Cares!

Aidan at Conjugating Irregular Verbs tagged me on this questionairre. She probably did it so publicly because she knows how I hate these sorts of emails and the only one I ever answered was one she sent me years ago. I usually delete them! But she knows I adore her and cannot deny and I can't help but think what a doll she is for sending ANY traffic my way :)

So here goes:

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are the members of your family?

Animals. Awful, right? I used to say it was hard enough to remember to feed my children, I don't have time for a pet. Now we have an inside pup and an outside cat. I adore the outside cat, but he is still just a cat.

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?

Health and wealth, health and wealth.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?

Hate is a strong word. I try not to use it.
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

That's a crazy amount of money. I'm pretty sure it would ruin me...but no, i wouldn't turn it down.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Good music. Walking the Lone Star Trail.
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

Neither here nor there. BUT I was reading a book and there was a survey done that asked men which is worse, to be disrespected or to be unloved. 76% said to be disrespected. That is a great insight into the way men think, no?

7. What is your bedtime routine?

Not as intricate as my husbands, but mostly its about tucking in my nine year old. I still do that every night, and sing her a song.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

I don't remember the first time we met, it seems I've always known him.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

Randy Newman.

10. What kinds of books do you read?

Anything that catches my attention. Non-fiction, fiction, romance, biographies.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

My life has been very much one day at a time lately, so I'm going to stick with that. I hate to say I have no vision, but ten years is really stretching it for me.

12. What's your fear?

Words are powerful, so I try not to give voice to fear.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

Seriously? I can't think of anything I would give up for that.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

Single and rich. My husband live-in wouldn't mind being a kept man.

15. What's the first thing you do when you wake up?

Recall my dreams.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

Of course now it has to be health, but if you had asked me before the Event I would say HANDYMAN. I would love for him to be handy around the house. Hence my crush on Mike Holmes.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I did when I was 6. It was Cindy. As in Cindy Brady. It didn't stick, thank the Lord. I'll stick with Susan.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

The front page of the paper had an article about an eleven year old girl being gang raped by a dozen high school boys in the next town over. The answer is no.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

I hate to copycat, but cereal is the go to food.

Alright, there you go...lots of crazy info.
:) Catch you on the flip side!

The Weird Kids

What ever happened to the Weird kids? Remember those kids we went to elementary school with who always stood out for all the wrong reasons? I was wondering, last evening, whatever happened to Johnny Appletree? He moved to my small town in about the third grade. He was tall, lanky, blonde, and had a beautiful smile under all that filth. His winter coat was about two sizes too small and his clothes were never clean. He was shunned by all the other kids and now I wonder about him. Did he make it? Did he succeed at anything when life started out for him in such a shithole? My heart breaks for him when I think back to that beautiful little boy.
Then there was Nancy and Bonita Price. Nancy was very '60's chic in her awesome recycled retro clothes. Of course as kids, all we could see was that she was poor and couldn't afford new clothes. She was the lucky twin because she had beauty on her side. Bonita, ironically, was not so pretty and not so lucky. She was treated awful because of her lack of grace and the constant comparison to her pretty twin. Where are they now? Did Bonita blossom? Was she the ugly duckling who triumphed as the swan?
What happened to Alicia, the dictionary reading girl? What was she escaping from when she read words and definitions for hours and hours? I mean normal people don't do that, right? There has to be something driving her to make it her life's mission to completely read the dictionary!
I know I was never outwardly mean to these fellow students, but that is little comfort when I look back and see that I still had those thoughts. I still thought them inferior because they were the weird kids. I was a little bit afraid of them, but only because I thought if I were too kind to them that other kids would think I was weird too. So I stayed back, never taunting or teasing, but never befriending either. I think my mom would say I made up for that in middle school and high school when I seemed to have befriended many "weird kids".

But now I wonder about them.
I wonder if they succeeded at whatever it is they wanted in life.
I wonder what they think about their elementary years.
I wonder.