Monday, January 17, 2011


Do not fear what you don't really know.
This is a line from a Brett Dennen song. I think it applies to my life as well as so many others. We tend to worry about the unseen, the unknown. We conjure up fears in our head that add stress to our bodies, to our spirits. Then we have the idiot box screaming more fear at us, just in case we forgot to be afraid of all the things we haven't thought of yet. I don't even have to give examples here. You know what I mean.

When I first named my blog, I was in a very different place in my life. You could ask all my friends and they would tell you that Susan is not a worrier. I am a Pisces, I have always gone with the flow. I did not play the "what if" game in my head and I would deal with whatever arose as it came. I would try and pass this calming way of being to my friends. They always seemed to be expending so much energy on fear of things that had yet to be and most times would NEVER come to be. I am of the philosophy that when you continually worry about something, you are just attracting it to you. Words are very very powerful. They have power long after they have left your mouth and entered the universe.

But back to my blog title. Back to me.

Something has shifted. Something inside of me has shifted. It is like my body is absorbing the impact of the changes in my life. I still seem outwardly easy going and calm, but the stress levels have been so intense that the shockwaves are rippling through my body. I can feel it in my gut. I can feel it in my kidneys and my adrenal gland and my heart. I feel what I can only describe as quick electrical shocks. My hands are swollen, my face feels swollen. I thought I had perhaps put on some holiday weight, but over the past two months, I've actually lost half a pound.

I know all this stress on my body is NOT a good thing. I know that I need to do something about it and take better care of myself. It just feels so foreign. I feel like I am in someone else's body. Someone else's life.

I find myself pushing all the things I should be worrying about into a box. There are unpaid bills to take care of, disability paperwork to complete, Christmas presents to put in the post. I am raking them all to this small box in my head and not thinking about them. And then I feel a sharp pang in my chest area. My breathing becomes shallow.

I guess I am in the denial stage? Probably not.

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