bollocks

The past few days have been total hell. My bones hurt. My skin hurts. I feel awful. I started taking pain medication again tonight. It has helped a little bit, except its left me a bit emotional.

I've looked up my statistics and I have a 23-61% chance of making it another five years. My chances decrease from the 61% because my cervical cancer reappeared within the first year. They increase from the 23% because of my age, my otherwise good health, and my good mental health.

So I ask God, what do you want me to do with the time that I have? I ask myself, what do I want to do with the time that I have? God's been rather quiet about the entire situation, but I've got three trips planned already this year. Florida, Washington, and Tennessee.

And maybe God hasn't been as silent as I think. Twice in the past week I have been put in the path to help someone going through rough times. I was able to listen with an open heart and encourage with love and understanding. It felt different. I've always been a "good listener", but it's different now. I understand from a new place in my soul. And as life is paid forward, the preachers wife brought me a fantastic dinner this week. Hmmm, weird circular thing that i've put together, but i'm a bit doped up so just roll with it.

I listened to a bit of Oprah's Lifeclass with Inyanla Vanzandt this evening. She said in order to stop the pain you've got to quit telling the same story. I'm going to go and listen to the entire webcast because we can all do with less pain.

Peace and Love,
susan