Spoiler: There isn't one

The losses feel overwhelming today.

I had an epiphany this week; I've spent so much time these last seven months trying to grasp the point of it all, what is the point? and it came to me like a lightening bolt. 

There is no point. We are here for someone/something else's purpose. There is no point for us.

And it was kind of a relief. There is no need to search for an answer when there is no answer. I can wonder from here to fucking eternity about what the point of it all is, but that is a lot of wasted energy when there simply is no point to be found.

 

Me but not me

 I've turned a corner.

Only a few more corners

and I will find Myself again

Myself, but not myself

Me but not me

220 days of tears came before

Non stop ringing in my ears

I strain to hear

to make sense of the sound filling my head

One day of no tears, nothing special about that day

Yet important enough to document in this way

trust no one

I can no longer be your friend. Because you were never mine. You should hurt more than I. Because you have truly lost a friend. I am only losing an illusion a made up fairy tale. But crushed fairy tales hurt too maybe more. I thought death was the greatest pain I would feel in life. Turns out still living is.

The Gaps

the corner I've turned this week leads me to gaps of time where the grief is not all consuming i can go ten to fifteen minutes at a time when my thoughts are with the living i have space to breathe and then i suddenly remember, and sometimes it brings me to my knees. Quite literally more than once. and sometimes i suddenly remember and i am still standing...what is this? I am still breathing...there is a flicker of hope

Week 3

 20 days

Going to work every day. Make it through the day. Get home and cry for hours on end. rinse, repeat.

maybe tomorrow will be different.

Messages from him everywhere I look. But can't find him anywhere I look.

My stupid thoughts on the universe and how it works mean nothing anymore. I know nothing. No one knows anything. 

Week 1 - a fog. shock

Week 2 - sheer and total pain

Week 3 - more tears than I thought a body could hold

quicksand

 I want to go home and crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

The one thing that stops me is knowing I have to get out of bed again.

Every breath, every step, every motion, is an effort.

Time is slowing down and speeding up with no rhyme or reason.

Like Alice, my world is topsy turvy.

what makes us human

 the fog is beginning to clear

now there is pain

the goal is to not be all consumed by the pain

hold up my head and take a deep breath before the wave of pain washes over me again

accept what is

repeating over and over

thank you for everything. i have no complaints whatsoever.