4/20

I got through today.
I spent a full day at work, told most of my work friends. I feel bad because they don't know what to say, after the shock of it. I can already feel them treating me a little differently; perhaps that will fade as we all get a little more used to the thought. I know they will whisper about it, "can you believe it?", "isn't that awful?", that sort of thing. Mostly I want them to know they don't have to whisper about it; they can say those things to me. I am thinking them too. But I've been moved to a different category, I am no longer like them. I am different now.

So it turns out I really do have some amazing friends. Which is really surprising to me because I am not very good at cultivating relationships. I can't even remember to call my own mother once a week. I think when you get to my age, the people left standing are the ones who really have something to offer and I can only hope that I am still in their circle of friends because I give them something too.

So I was thinking about their differences and how they are all so good to me in their own special ways.

My sister. She is seven years older than me. I spent time with her the summer she was pregnant with her son. We would eat all day and lie around in bed watching soaps. It was in south Texas and it was so hot. That was a good summer. Later, when we moved to Florida, I would look forward to her coming for a visit; we would sit up all night talking about everything and sneak out of the house to the Subway for a roast beef, mustard and pickle sandwich. Of course she was full grown with a child of her own, so it wasn't really against the rules sneakin' so much as just sneakin' for the fun of it. When I told her about my latest BS she was solid. I don't remember much about what she said, I just remember she was solid and she prayed for me and I felt so much better after talking to her than I did before. She shares my faith in God. I know it's hard for her because I'm the baby sister; but she calls me again today to see if I'm okay. I needed that.

Then there's my sister-friend. She is over the top. She thinks of shit I need before I ever know I need it. She doesn't say "Let me know what I can do", she does. Well, okay, she does say it too; but she doesn't wait for an answer. She cooked dinner for my family tonite. I stopped by after work to pick it up on my way home and she says she's going to the grocery for me to write her a list. I need to tell her I don't have any money for the grocery right now but I can't seem to get the words out...as she starts and keeps adding to the grocery list, it dawns on me that I don't think she's picking up groceries for me, but  FOR me. She's buying them too. I am overwhelmed. I mean how incredible is it that this person takes a look at my life, knows my daughters are coming home from college, knows I need groceries in the house and goes and gets them for me. She didn't know I didn't have money for groceries this weekend. It is just more than I can return. I don't know how to give that back. and I know she doesn't expect it back, but how many of you (of the female persuasion) can take and take and not give back? She encourages me to accept and I have no will to object. She does not share my faith in God, but she is respecting my space in that too. I know she wants to say so much on the subject. I would just have her know that I know I am good enough. me. alone. It's just not how I prefer it.

There are more, no less important persons whom I will introduce you to very soon. My life is abundant.

Job, long o

I have been diagnosed with cancer.
I am currently unable to remove the 3rd, 4th, and 5th word from that sentence. I attempted it yesterday and literally choked on the words, so I haven't tried it since.
My head is still spinning from all the information and I feel quite nauseous as I sit here typing these words.
I would like to think that I will handle this turn of events in a graceful, ladylike fashion, but I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm not feeling very graceful right now.
My friend, Janet, died from cancer a few years ago. I still weep when I think of her short lived life and her young daughter having to grow up without her.
One of my first thoughts is that dying is all a part of living. My second thought is I am thankful two of my girls are full grown and I know they will nurture the third the same way I would in the event I leave this world early. My third thought is I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There are no guarantees we get to watch our children walk down the aisle and hold our grandchildren on our lap.
I have had a crash course in leaning on other people the past two years. When David had his motorcycle wreck, and subsequent brain tumor, I learned to reach out to the people who were there, waiting for me to only ask and sometimes not waiting, just doing.  Was it all really leading up to this? That's very self serving, even for me.
Well I know that positive attitude and all that jazz goes a long way and I know, no matter what, everything will be okay. Not in a God will fix everything and all will come up roses sort of okay; I just mean that I will be okay because I believe I am never alone and that's what has always given me strength.

Unconditional Love

One of our stops while we were in Dallas was my husband's sister's home. Due to various awkward social situations , my husband ended up at his sister's house with no way back to the races. As we are talking it out on the drive to his sister's, he says "Well, I'll just take M's truck". And he says this with the utmost confidence; never doubting that she will willingly lend her truck for his overnight trip back to Ft.Worth.

I began to think about this confidence with his sister and how it has always been so. It isn't an arrogant confidence, but a solid, based on trust and an absolute certain knowledge that she will be there for him always, no matter what, to the end, amen, kind of trust. It has been this way since I've known him and I can tell it went on a lifetime before I met him.

I am so very thankful to her for this. She is the reason that he can love me the way he does. When they lost their mother at such a young age, she is the one he counted on. I know his other brothers and sisters took care of him in their own ways. But it was and is her unconditional love for him that makes him able to trust and love me.