Spoiler: There isn't one

The losses feel overwhelming today.

I had an epiphany this week; I've spent so much time these last seven months trying to grasp the point of it all, what is the point? and it came to me like a lightening bolt. 

There is no point. We are here for someone/something else's purpose. There is no point for us.

And it was kind of a relief. There is no need to search for an answer when there is no answer. I can wonder from here to fucking eternity about what the point of it all is, but that is a lot of wasted energy when there simply is no point to be found.

 

Me but not me

 I've turned a corner.

Only a few more corners

and I will find Myself again

Myself, but not myself

Me but not me

220 days of tears came before

Non stop ringing in my ears

I strain to hear

to make sense of the sound filling my head

One day of no tears, nothing special about that day

Yet important enough to document in this way

trust no one

I can no longer be your friend. Because you were never mine. You should hurt more than I. Because you have truly lost a friend. I am only losing an illusion a made up fairy tale. But crushed fairy tales hurt too maybe more. I thought death was the greatest pain I would feel in life. Turns out still living is.